It’s finally over. The 2014-15 football season has come to an end but even though the Lions went another season without a playoff win and the Patriots took the whole thing, there are always pros to balance out the cons. After all, I managed NOT to draft Toby Gerhart this year… that’s good. Oh! And no one has to watch Jim Harbaugh mouth-breath his way through another season with the Niners… that’s great! Overall, I give this year a B-.
Sadly though, we’re now in a bit of a lull. Football is over, baseball hasn’t started, basketball isn’t in the post-season, and hockey is still just hockey. This leaves a lot of us wondering what to do with our long misplaced competitive natures. Luckily, the boys and I developed the answer, I present the Failure Machine Band League (FMBL). FMBL is just like any other fantasy sport except instead of drafting mentally underdeveloped millionaires (See: Gore, Frank), we draft members of bands that we’ve either played with on the road, or folks from around the local scene. It’s a great way to kill time and it’s an even better way to talk about your friends and colleagues as if they were just objects.
To play along, send us your picks and we’ll send you an arbitrary score based on our personal feelings toward you!! And check out all of these bands.
Clinton “CP30” Philbin
1. CP- Alex Korostinsky (bass, guitar, bg vocals for Mark Sexton Band, Whatitdo., Synthesize Her)
2. SK- Blair Dewane (vocals, guitar for Rusty Maples)
3. HM- Keith Damron and his pug, Malcolm(vocals, guitar for El Camino Sutra)
-EDITOR’S NOTE: Terrific move. Primo songwriting and an adorable pooch. Cute sells.
4. ZC- Miranda Zipse (vocals, bass for The Pip Squeeks)
5. ZC- Kevin Mohn (vocals, guitar for Kevin Moan & The Reptiles)
6. HM- Ben Ingle (drums for Moondog Matinee)
-FUN FACT: His favorite food is Pop Tarts.
7. SK- Rachel McElhiney (sax, bg vocals for Buster Blue)
8. CP- Clark Demerrit (bass for Pelvis Wrestlies)
9. CP- Mike Hickel (bass, bg vocals for Joan and The Rivers)
10. SK- Ben Einstein (keys, bg vocals for Bear Lincoln)
-EDITOR’S NOTE: Big Ben Einstein was my sleeper pick all along. In this group he’ll play B3 and a large bowl of assorted fruit.
11. HM- Morgan Smith ( drums for Irie Idea)
12. ZC- Kevin Gautschi (guitar, vocals for Major Powers & The Lo-Fi Symphony)
13. ZC- Sam “The Luscious Lefty” Turman (guitar, vocals for Naked For Safety)
-EDITOR’S NOTE: Personally, I’m a little concerned about his health going into this season. There’s a lot of blood on that guitar.
14. HM- Eric Smith (guitar, vocals for Joan and the Rivers)
15. SK- Dan Weiss (drums for Mark Sexton Band, My Flag Is On Fire)
16. CP- Adam Carpenter (bass, bg vocals for Moondog Matinee)
17. CP- Patrick Dougherty (bass for Fox & The Law)
-EDITOR’S NOTE: I think Clint really hit his stride with this pick. With his 5th bassist in 5 picks he has successfully given me an uncomfortable rumbling sensation in my stomach.
18. SK- Jeremy Hunt (bass for Jelly Bread)
19. HM- Adam Landis (keys for Rigorous Proof)
20. ZC- Toby O’Brien
-FUN FACT: Toby isn’t in a band, he’s just a really cool guy. Not a great pick… or is it?
21. ZC- 3 cases of Old English
-EDITOR’S NOTE: High risk, high reward kind of pick for Zac Curtis. On one hand, a case of Olde English can get the creative juices going, but on the other hand it can trigger a bender where you wake up missing your wallet, your shoes, and your sense of self worth.
22. HM- Rob Habel (vocals, guitar for Millburray)
23. SK- Zac Curtis + Harry Mahony (horns for Failure Machine)
24. CP- Tyler Hansen (drums, bg vocals for BandMaster Ruckus)
Here are the bands:
Rumble Chunks (CP)
Alex Korostinsky (bass)
Clark Demerrit (bass)
Mike Hickel (bass)
Adam Carpenter (bass)
Patrick Dougherty (bass)
Tyler Hansen (drums)
B.D. & The Meat Raisins (SK)
Blair Dewane (vocals, guitar)
Rachel “Rachbot” McElhiney (bari sax, vocals)
Dan Weiss (drums)
Ben Einstein (keys, vocals)
Jeremy Hunt (bass)
Zac + Harry (trumpet, alto sax)
Harry’s Hamsters (HM)
Keith Damron and Malcolm (vocals, guitar)
Ben Ingle (drums)
Morgan Smith (drums)
Eric Smith (guitar, vocals)
Adam Landis (keys)
Rob Habel (guitar, vocals)
Miranda Zipse (bass)
Kevin Mohn (guitar, vocals)
Kevin Gautsche (guitar, vocals)
Sam Turman (guitar, vocals)
Toby O’Brien (N64)
3 Cases of OE
We want your fantasy bands. Give em to us.