FMBL (Fantasy Band Draft)

It’s finally over. The 2014-15 football season has come to an end but even though the Lions went another season without a playoff win and the Patriots took the whole thing, there are always pros to balance out the cons.  After all, I managed NOT to draft Toby Gerhart this year… that’s good.  Oh! And no one has to watch Jim Harbaugh mouth-breath his way through another season with the Niners… that’s great!  Overall, I give this year a B-.

Sadly though, we’re now in a bit of a lull. Football is over, baseball hasn’t started, basketball isn’t in the post-season, and hockey is still just hockey. This leaves a lot of us wondering what to do with our long misplaced competitive natures. Luckily, the boys and I developed the answer, I present the Failure Machine Band League (FMBL). FMBL is just like any other fantasy sport except instead of drafting mentally underdeveloped millionaires (See: Gore, Frank), we draft members of bands that we’ve either played with on the road, or folks from around the local scene.  It’s a great way to kill time and it’s an even better way to talk about your friends and colleagues as if they were just objects.

To play along, send us your picks and we’ll send you an arbitrary score based on our personal feelings toward you!!  And check out all of these bands.

The drafters:
Clinton “CP30” Philbin
Spencer Kilpatrick
Harry Mahony
Zac Curtis

ROUND 1
1. CP- Alex Korostinsky (bass, guitar, bg vocals for Mark Sexton Band, Whatitdo., Synthesize Her)
2. SK- Blair Dewane (vocals, guitar for Rusty Maples)
3. HM- Keith Damron and his pug, Malcolm(vocals, guitar for El Camino Sutra)
     -EDITOR’S NOTE: Terrific move. Primo songwriting and an adorable pooch. Cute sells.
4. ZC- Miranda Zipse (vocals, bass for The Pip Squeeks)

ROUND 2
5. ZC- Kevin Mohn (vocals, guitar for Kevin Moan & The Reptiles)
6. HM- Ben Ingle (drums for Moondog Matinee)
     -FUN FACT: His favorite food is Pop Tarts.
7. SK- Rachel McElhiney (sax, bg vocals for Buster Blue)
8. CP- Clark Demerrit (bass for Pelvis Wrestlies)

ROUND 3
9. CP- Mike Hickel (bass, bg vocals for Joan and The Rivers)
10. SK- Ben Einstein (keys, bg vocals for Bear Lincoln)
     -EDITOR’S NOTE: Big Ben Einstein was my sleeper pick all along. In this group he’ll play B3 and a large bowl of assorted fruit.
11. HM- Morgan Smith ( drums for Irie Idea)
12. ZC- Kevin Gautschi (guitar, vocals for Major Powers & The Lo-Fi Symphony)

ROUND 4
13. ZC- Sam “The Luscious Lefty” Turman (guitar, vocals for Naked For Safety)
     -EDITOR’S NOTE: Personally, I’m a little concerned about his health going into this season. There’s a lot of blood on that guitar.
14. HM- Eric Smith (guitar, vocals for Joan and the Rivers)
15. SK- Dan Weiss (drums for Mark Sexton Band, My Flag Is On Fire)
16. CP- Adam Carpenter (bass, bg vocals for Moondog Matinee)

ROUND 5
17. CP- Patrick Dougherty (bass for Fox & The Law)
     -EDITOR’S NOTE: I think Clint really hit his stride with this pick.  With his 5th bassist in 5 picks he has successfully given me an uncomfortable rumbling sensation in my stomach.
18. SK- Jeremy Hunt (bass for Jelly Bread)
19. HM- Adam Landis (keys for Rigorous Proof)
20. ZC- Toby O’Brien
      -FUN FACT: Toby isn’t in a band, he’s just a really cool guy. Not a great pick… or is it?

ROUND 6
21. ZC- 3 cases of Old English
     -EDITOR’S NOTE: High risk, high reward kind of pick for Zac Curtis. On one hand, a case of Olde English can get the creative juices going, but on the other hand it can trigger a bender where you wake up missing your wallet, your shoes, and your sense of self worth.
22. HM- Rob Habel (vocals, guitar for Millburray)
23. SK- Zac Curtis + Harry Mahony (horns for Failure Machine)
24. CP- Tyler Hansen (drums, bg vocals for BandMaster Ruckus)

Here are the bands:

Rumble Chunks (CP)
Alex Korostinsky (bass)
Clark Demerrit  (bass)
Mike Hickel (bass)
Adam Carpenter (bass)
Patrick Dougherty (bass)
Tyler Hansen (drums)

B.D. & The Meat Raisins (SK)
Blair Dewane (vocals, guitar)
Rachel “Rachbot” McElhiney (bari sax, vocals)
Dan Weiss  (drums)
Ben Einstein (keys, vocals)
Jeremy Hunt (bass)
Zac + Harry (trumpet, alto sax)

Harry’s Hamsters (HM)
Keith Damron and Malcolm (vocals, guitar)
Ben Ingle (drums)
Morgan Smith (drums)
Eric Smith (guitar, vocals)
Adam Landis (keys)
Rob Habel (guitar, vocals)

Zac (ZC)
Miranda Zipse (bass)
Kevin Mohn (guitar, vocals)
Kevin Gautsche (guitar, vocals)
Sam Turman (guitar, vocals)
Toby O’Brien (N64)
3 Cases of OE

We want your fantasy bands. Give em to us.

xoxo,
Spencer

5 Things You Really Shouldn’t Do This Year/Happy New Year

Happy New Year!

You did it, I did it, a few of my friend’s pets did it – we lived through 2014! Everything hurts a little more than it did last year and I lost my iPod, but we still think 2015 is going to be real neat.

New Year's Eve @ Singer Social Club (Photo: Tony Contini)

New Year’s Eve @ Singer Social Club (Photo: Tony Contini)

The things you shouldn’t do this year:
1. Get your car towed
2. Stay home instead of going to the Moondog Matinee release party on January 17th @ Cargo
3. Start selling Cutco knives to your friends and family
4. Drink less soda
5. Pretend EPII doesn’t exist

Clint

All About it ‘Bout it

Joan Rivers may have passed, but spiritually, she lives on in the cool, underground, and slightly sticky shadow of Joan and the Rivers. We made a pit stop to see these guys (Eric, Mike, and Caleb, our favorite San Joseans) while on tour this month, and they recorded us playing that Meghan Trainor song All About That Bass. We haven’t really been able to get enough of this song lately. Listen to our version here.

Once you’ve finished checking those treats out, start preparing yourself for this Friday in Reno. For free and starting at 9pm, we’ll be at Singer Social Club along with The John Whites, and Monterey’s Pipsqueak. No sharks will be allowed into the building.

Clint

Band Van Racing

People drive around a lot. Touring bands, who are also people, drive around a lot too. They’re always driving. They’re getting from city to city, accomplishing one short-term goal after another. They drive for hours on end, occasionally navigating hazardous road conditions like rain, snow, and emotional distress. Touring bands have so much endurance driving experience that there should probably be a televised competitive league for it, complete with trophies, pseudo celebrity status, and commercial breaks.

Somewhere in Oregon

Driving on roads is just like coloring inside the lines.


The Core Band Van Racing Rules:
1. The race starts at 1:30am after a performance whether or not your band has been paid.
2. All members and gear must be loaded into van. Forgotten stuff/bandmates = disqualification.
3. All members and gear must fit into ONE vessel (vehicles with trailers/sidecars OK).
4. The first driver is selected at random.
5. The first driver drives for at least 15 minutes (the band may choose to spend that time waiting in the parking lot).
6. The second driver is chosen by the first driver.
7. No pit/bathroom/food stops for trips under 240 miles.
8. If the band takes 5 minutes per hour more in travel time than the original Google Maps ETA, the band is disqualified.
9. Bands disqualified from Band Van Racing once are barred from ever racing again.
10. The 5 bands with the best racing times get official Turbos Flamas sponsorships and monthly $15 gift cards to Target OR Arco for as long as the band holds a top 5 position.

Bands nominated for BVR competition:
1. Rusty Maples (check out their brand new 6 track EP today)
2. Moondog Matinee
3. Major Powers & The Lo-Fi Symphony

All it takes to join BVR right now is a one time $5 paperwork filing fee and a photo ID.

Clint

WANTED: NEW BEST FRIEND

When Clint and I started this band a year ago we were absolutely terrified of socializing with anyone other than each other. Luckily, all of the counseling has been paying off and we’ve opened the MFFM castle doors to a couple of fresh, hawt fellas in Zac and Harry. We’ve recently decided we’re ready for another friend and we’re going to start auditioning bass players! Now, we didn’t come to this decision lightly, it took hundreds of people with no musical knowledge or experience telling us that we were missing a bassist to get us to make this choice.

So, if you or someone you know would be perfect for the role of bass player/new best friend, shoot us a text on the FM poopline (775-316-TURD) or have a pizza delivered to our house with your name, number, and favorite malt liquor on it (text the poopline for our address). But before you go reaching for that telefono, skim the rest of this post to make sure you REALLY want to open this can of worms OE.

~9 things you should know~

9. Being in a band (especially this band) isn’t about pouring your heart out onstage every night to an attentive crowd of music lovers. It’s about pouring your intestines out into a bathroom in San Jose that doesn’t have doors on the stalls, then immediately walking into an empty bar where half of the PA is blown out and your feet stick to the floor.

8. Hopefully you don’t have a weak stomach because we really only eat donuts, pizza, Rolling Rock, Safeway sandwiches, Olde English, burritos, each other’s farts, Pringles, beef jerky, pizza, our feelings and cheeseburgers.

7. If you have a music note or treble clef tattooed on you, please keep it covered up until we have decided whether or not we like you enough to ignore it.

6. People in bands (ourselves included) are some of the most broken, passive-aggressive, hyper-critical dicks in the world. Our karmic punishment for our general attitudes is having to deal, almost exclusively, with people just like us. Now think about how exhausting that is. Still interested? I like you, keep reading.

5. Ideally, this is what I’m looking for: Someone tall who has a cool mustache, a lot of really attractive friends, and a pretty hip (but not too hip) wardrobe who will help contribute to my dream of solidifying “that’s SO Raven!” as the band’s catch phrase.

Check out this ‘stache

4. Recommended listening:

The Dirty Nil- Smite

Otis Redding- Otis Blue: Otis Redding Sings Soul

Mark Ronson- Version

The Rolling Stones- Let It Bleed

3. If you’ve ever said anything like “Music is my life/therapy/drug/true love,” you’re annoying.

2. Do you have a good job? Are you in college studying something you’re really passionate about ? Do you have a girlfriend that you love and cherish? Good for you! Don’t audition though. Look, your life is going WAY too well to spend as much time with us as you’re gonna need to. The fewer things you HAVE to do on a daily basis, the better. More important than having talent, drive, or even a bass is having free time to waste making fart jokes and getting hammered with us.

1. We don’t give a shit if you’re a good bass player, we don’t even care if you’re a bass player at all. In fact, we’d prefer the latter, the last thing we want is some asshole with a 6 string bass coming into the basement and playing the riff to “Chameleon” over all of our tunes. We’d much prefer someone who barely knows the names of the strings who thinks it’s hilarious to make everyone listen to “I Don’t Want To Be” repeatedly on the way to a show in Bakersfield.

Looking forward to meeting you.

XOXO

-Spencer

 

 

 

~that shit I DO like~

1. The Doda: The Doda is a meal. It’s a perfect breakfast, lunch or dinner combination that will fill you up without weighing you down. It’s a donut (preferably from Jelly Donut) and a soda (preferably a 32 ouncer from Jackson’s). I get stopped on the street all the time with people asking me how I’ve managed to maintain such a perfectly puffy AND pasty physique. Well, I’m finally letting the bearclaw out of the bag. IT’S THE DODA, GUYS!

Clint’s Doda combo: Maple bar + 32 oz Diet Coke (with a splash of lemonade)
Spencer’s Doda combo: 2 glazed old-fashioneds + 32 oz Coke (Also known as the “Double Doda)

2. My Pelvis Wrestlies T-shirt: Clark gave me the shirt outside of Sundance Books when I hit him up to buy two copies of Make Up Face. He sauntered over to me from his truck and I immediately noticed that he looked really skinny so I offered him half of the Double Doda I was eating but he politely declined. He then gave me two copies of Make Up Face and a complimentary shirt… That handsome devil.

3. Loud Farts

4. The Lakers not being in the playoffs: I grew up going to Kings games with my dad and will never forget the early 2000s when I had to watch the Kings somehow find ways to lose in the playoffs (2002 being the year my soul died). Seeing them get swept last year and relying on Nick Young (Ha!) this year has brought more joy to my heart than I can explain.

5. Clinton “Scoob” Philbin: I met Clint in 2010 at Encore Music Center in Auburn. I heard him playing jazz from across the room and yelled over “Nice jazz!” He then sauntered over to me from the other end of the store and I immediately noticed that he looked really skinny so I offered him half of the Double Doda I was eating but he politely declined. We met up later that night at The Club Car and whispered a lot of mean, nasty things about the people performing for open mic, we’ve been friends ever since.

6. Rolling Rock: Right now at Jackson’s you can get two 6 packs of 16 oz Rolling Rocks for $8.98 ($9.68 after tax I think). Rolling Rock is to me what spinach is to Popeye except instead of getting stronger I get this really cool stumbly/groggy/sad feeling.

7. Playing with Mark Sexton Band: Here’s a video of MSB and Failure Machine jamming on a Jamie Cullum inspired “Frontin'” at St. James last week. Click Me!!

8. “Break Up Anthem” by Wolvves: You gotta watch this. Garage-rock from Phoenix with a lo-fi hip-hop breakdown in the second verse.  It’s all I’ve been able to listen to for the last week and a half.

9. NOT looking really exhausted and hungover all the time: This hasn’t happened yet but it’ll be rad if it does.

10a. Aimless lists:  Who has time for organized/well-developed thoughts.

10b. Eating pizza with Joan and The Rivers:  We have a split coming out with these guys in May and a couple shows to celebrate.  The split is called “Pizza Foam” and the name stems from the bassist for JATR doing this really hilarious things where he gets drunk and pukes just a little bit, he rationalizes the puke as “only foam” because there usually isn’t any real hardcore stomach bile in there; no heaving or any of that either, just a quick little dollop of throwup- foam to take the edge off.  It’s actually kind of adorable.

Pizza Foam Track List:

1.Target- Failure Machine

2. Don’t Get So Down (Synthesize Her cover)- Failure Machine

3. Jabroni- Joan and the Rivers

4. Picolonely- Joan and the Rivers

5. Devil’s Right Hand (Johnny Cash Cover)- FM + JATR (Joan and the Failures)

Shows: 

May 15th at Caravan Lounge in San Jose with JATR, FM and Bear Lincoln

May 17th at Shea’s Tavern in Reno with FM, JATR and TBA (you wanna play at Shea’s?)

Spencer

gimme yo’ shirt

Getting shirts made is a big step for a band. In a way, it solidifies a band’s band-dom/bandiness, and in a world where CDs are, day by day, retaining the functionality of coasters, a little tangibility goes a long way. When a band has shirts it means that at one point in time a group of people were so proud of what they accomplished musically that they thought “I bet someone would be into wearing us on their chest.” And why wouldn’t someone want to wear a band’s name on their chest?* After all, most bands are cool. In fact, some bands are even just a group of friends that happen to be a lot cooler than you and your stupid group of friends. That’s why I try to wear their shirts as often as possible, because bands are cool, and I so desperately want to be cool as well.

A lot goes into making a cool shirt: the color, the fit, the design etc. But the most important ingredient that goes into a great band shirt is not having a shitty band. I’ve worn plenty of hideous shirts because the band was rad and I wanted people to ask me about the shirt so I could tell them about bands that I like. Sadly enough, this usually leads to me gushing on and on about local bands for 15-20 minutes thus losing all cool points that I had once earned by wearing the shirt in the first place. Fuck it, bands are cool, buy their stuff.

Shirt key:
Joan and The Rivers: They get about 1,000 design points for incorporating Hungry Hungry Hippos into their logo. And about 1,000 more because there is definitely a copyright infringement somewhere in that bad boy. Joan and the Rivers is a rock band from San Jose. Pizza. FM and JATR are putting out a split EP.  Check out Chupacabra. Clint’s JATR song pick- wottrieler

Naked For Safety: 992 rock n roll points for not putting their band name anywhere on the shirt. 1,400 more for choosing a shark as their logo. 121 more for renaming it a jammerhead shark and correcting anyone who says otherwise. Naked For Safety is my favorite local band with my favorite local guitarist, Sam “The Luscious Lefty” Turman. Things they do: 1.Get people to dance 2.Be handsome 3.Scream into their mics 4.Cover Wu-Tang. Things they don’t do: 1.Give a fuck.
feast your ears- that Naked For Safety soundcloud butt

Rigorous Proof: I traded a Big Bad shirt to their keyboardist for one of these. They get 666 conspiracy points for the Illuminati looking deal. 300 more for being cool guys. Way rad shirt, I wear it all the time. I don’t know if they’re still a band, last I heard one of their main guys moved to LA but every once in a while I hear of them playing with the DeFABulators. What’s the scoop? Text me- (775) 316-TURD

Jelly Bread: Jelly Bread is so good that it’s not fair. That’s why they get 0 points. Sorry guys. Cliff Porter is simultaneously the baddest singer and baddest drummer I’ve ever heard live. Nasty. Dave Berry is the blue eyed soul of the group AND he’s tasteful in what he plays, his guit playing keeps the whole group together. Eric Matlock is RELENTLESSLY funky… They just got a new bass player and I heard him for the first time this morning on Good Day Sacramento, he sounds great. I probably wear this shirt too often judging by the pit stains, food stains and holes. I need to re-up.

Aisle 6: My poop band from high school.

Pelvis Wrestlies: Currently wearing this shirt. Have been since I got it a week ago, I only took it off to take the picture. Fast, fun punk rock that invades your brain. Clark Demeritt is the man and doesn’t get enough credit for what he does for the scene in Reno. 1,003 food points for the inclusion of a cheeseburger in the skeleton’s hand and 342 more for a candy bar or burrito in the other. Go buy their shirts, and their new 7″ Make Up Face because it’s good for you. My PW song pick- Magic Carpet Ride.

Otis Heat: Otis Heat is amazing, their shirt is made out of nice material. However, they get -39 points because I emailed them once and they never emailed me back. I’m a baby.

The Big Bad: My poop band from college.

Shirt wish list:
The Dirty Nil
Moondog Matinee
Rusty Maples
The Ballantynes
RnR
The Kanes

Lost Shirt List (if found, please call 775-316-TURD):
Weapons of Mass Creation
Knowledge Lives Forever
Oak Creek Band

Are you in a band and want to give me a shirt so that I can give it an arbitrary amount of points based on things that have absolutely nothing to do with the sound of the band that you’ve worked so hard to create? I think I can abide by that.

Spencer

*Because they’re a communist