When Clint and I started this band a year ago we were absolutely terrified of socializing with anyone other than each other. Luckily, all of the counseling has been paying off and we’ve opened the MFFM castle doors to a couple of fresh, hawt fellas in Zac and Harry. We’ve recently decided we’re ready for another friend and we’re going to start auditioning bass players! Now, we didn’t come to this decision lightly, it took hundreds of people with no musical knowledge or experience telling us that we were missing a bassist to get us to make this choice.
So, if you or someone you know would be perfect for the role of bass player/new best friend, shoot us a text on the FM poopline (775-316-TURD) or have a pizza delivered to our house with your name, number, and favorite malt liquor on it (text the poopline for our address). But before you go reaching for that telefono, skim the rest of this post to make sure you REALLY want to open this can of
~9 things you should know~
9. Being in a band (especially this band) isn’t about pouring your heart out onstage every night to an attentive crowd of music lovers. It’s about pouring your intestines out into a bathroom in San Jose that doesn’t have doors on the stalls, then immediately walking into an empty bar where half of the PA is blown out and your feet stick to the floor.
8. Hopefully you don’t have a weak stomach because we really only eat donuts, pizza, Rolling Rock, Safeway sandwiches, Olde English, burritos, each other’s farts, Pringles, beef jerky, pizza, our feelings and cheeseburgers.
7. If you have a music note or treble clef tattooed on you, please keep it covered up until we have decided whether or not we like you enough to ignore it.
6. People in bands (ourselves included) are some of the most broken, passive-aggressive, hyper-critical dicks in the world. Our karmic punishment for our general attitudes is having to deal, almost exclusively, with people just like us. Now think about how exhausting that is. Still interested? I like you, keep reading.
5. Ideally, this is what I’m looking for: Someone tall who has a cool mustache, a lot of really attractive friends, and a pretty hip (but not too hip) wardrobe who will help contribute to my dream of solidifying “that’s SO Raven!” as the band’s catch phrase.
Check out this ‘stache
4. Recommended listening:
The Dirty Nil- Smite
Otis Redding- Otis Blue: Otis Redding Sings Soul
Mark Ronson- Version
The Rolling Stones- Let It Bleed
3. If you’ve ever said anything like “Music is my life/therapy/drug/true love,” you’re annoying.
2. Do you have a good job? Are you in college studying something you’re really passionate about ? Do you have a girlfriend that you love and cherish? Good for you! Don’t audition though. Look, your life is going WAY too well to spend as much time with us as you’re gonna need to. The fewer things you HAVE to do on a daily basis, the better. More important than having talent, drive, or even a bass is having free time to waste making fart jokes and getting hammered with us.
1. We don’t give a shit if you’re a good bass player, we don’t even care if you’re a bass player at all. In fact, we’d prefer the latter, the last thing we want is some asshole with a 6 string bass coming into the basement and playing the riff to “Chameleon” over all of our tunes. We’d much prefer someone who barely knows the names of the strings who thinks it’s hilarious to make everyone listen to “I Don’t Want To Be” repeatedly on the way to a show in Bakersfield.
Looking forward to meeting you.